the Native Road: Light Up the Darkness

I will no longer put anything in this world before my husband. He and the God we serve are the light and love of my life. They have given me the love and freedom I've been seeking all my life... which is the one thing I could not understand was under attack from the time I was in my mothers womb.

It is true what the Bible says... that we are called from beginning of time itself. I didn't really understand before... what it was to be called from a very early age. Now as I look back... even before I came to ministry... even before I made the personal decision to fully surrender to God... people could see something inside me... the lamp of God... and they would come to me, seeking answers, help... whatever it was they were in need of. And me trying to be all I could to help (far before I ever really knew why) would give, give and give... and do and do and do some more... and people would take what they needed... and continue on... and again I say- I didn't even understand why. I just knew it felt good to be needed... wanted... and I viewed that feeling of being wanted, as being loved.

What I know now is that was NOT love... not truly. Whether they did it to be hurtful or truly just because they needed help (which was mostly the case), twisting the high it gave me into love was never the purpose.

Again... it's true what the Bible says...

"If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to the flames that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

We miss this every time.

I gave and gave and gave... my body to those flames. And I was on fire... burning from exhaustion, but even more so from the bitterness I felt when I couldn't receive the praise or recognition I so needed, in order to know "I'd done well"... or "done it right" - or truly, that "I was loved."

I did not HAVE love... I had denied myself access to receiving the complete and unconditional love... of self, and most importantly, of God... that I might trust Him as He worked to show me how He saw me... how He loved me. Blinded by self-ridicule, I looked for love in approval... appreciation... and acknowledgement. But even if I got just a piece of what I thought that looked like, my soul knew it was still wasn't enough.... and so I worked harder... dove deeper... and over time, even when God gave me a man to love me through my mess, I was still seeking approval... some "vision" of success equivalent to what I thought love and admiration looked like in order to be real... whole... true.

What a mess.......

Until... now.

Until... He took me off into the wilderness to spend more time with Him... and more time with just... me.... until He taught me how to properly, holistically take care of my tired mind... my weakening body and confused soul... until He showed me my focus was on all the wrong things... and all I needed to do to fix it, was look at Him, listen to Him... and let Him tell me and show me that I AM loved... and have more love than I could ever even hold inside of me... and that all I have to do to be whole, is believe Him... and walk with this truth as my protection... because truly... there's nothing to be afraid of... I am who I am inside of Him. He doesn't care about any of the things I try to do to be enough. He just wants me to know I'm safe... here in His presence. And His presence is all I need.

“Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”